03.18.06

I had the misfortune of walking into Panera this week during Daffodil Days. And of course, the lady standing there selling them was the lady who sold me 500 daffodils five years ago. I rushed past her, eyes downcast, hoping she wouldn't recognize me or even ask if I'd purchase a daffodil. I was so successful, I managed to stuff the pain into the shell of my breadbowl and toss it in the trash when I was done.

They're still pretty.

Hard to think about where I was five years ago today. I wish I could go back and warn this girl how hard it would be. I wish I could tell her to rely on God, not her husband. I wish I could tell her that her marriage depends on it. I wish I could tell her everything's going to be okay, but only if she listens closely. I wish I could tell her all her dreams were about to come true. But that's not how it happened.

I can tell you why my marriage failed. I can paint a picture that takes all the blame off me. Maybe even makes me a cautionary tale. And since this is the internet, you'd most likely believe me. But that wouldn't be the truth.

The truth is, my marriage failed because I didn't trust and rely on God. I didn't put Him first. I tried to control my life on my own. I put all my worth in my husband's approval of me. I thought he could satisfy me. THIS is where I'm a cautionary tale.

I've learned a lot about God and love and marriage since getting divorced. Pretty sad that this is what it took to get me here, but at least I'm here. I've learned that your priorities are supposed to go: God, Husband, Children, Other Stuff. Pretty sure mine were something like: Husband, Job, Other Stuff, God. No wonder it failed. I placed so much importance and pressure on him, there was no way he could live up to it. I'm not going to say he's blameless - he did a lot of things wrong and caused a lot of pain, too. But if I had truly been turning to God with that pain, well, maybe things would be different now. Instead, every time he hurt me, I withdrew from him, until eventually the pain was so intense that I couldn't stand to be around him.

I was dead inside. I was numb. I was completely closed off. I just wanted the pain to stop, and since I still based all my feelings around my husband, I rationalized that cutting him off would cut off the pain, too. I take back my earlier statement - maybe I wish I could talk to THAT girl. I could teach her a thing or two about real pain.

Here's the thing: If you're married ... God did that on purpose. He meant for you to be married. To that person. If it's hard, that's on purpose, too. Nothing is too big for Him. If it's too big for you, give it to Him. Don't take it upon yourself to try to fix it. All He wants is for you to go to Him.

Did you know that 76 percent of second marriages fail? I will NOT be a part of that statistic.

Mandisa - "Stronger"
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

Happy anniversary.

I Can Complete a 5k

I'll begin this post with an apology for not updating more often or getting this out sooner, along with a thank you for the support following my last post, which is how I feel like I always begin. With that out of the way, here's my 5k story.

My mom and I arrived at the Polar Bear Strut, got checked in and oogled our new event shirts. Then I found out that I was currently the top fundraiser, the prize for which was a small flatscreen TV. Good way to start the day.

Then we had to walk a LONG way up a BIG hill to the start line. Seemed a little counterproductive.

The race was off, and we held back to let all the runners out of our way. Part of the route went along a lane of Hwy 54, so that was pretty interesting.

Before we could even see the turnaround point, the guy in the lead passed us going back. Unbelievable.

There were some killer hills on this course -- seriously. I think the usual record for a 5k is somewhere around 18-19 minutes, and the record for this course is around 20 minutes. I am fully using that as a crutch, thankyouverymuch.

We entered the home stretch, and I noticed that the ladies behind us with their dog were creeping up on us. Then I realized their dog was a greyhound. So I decided we HAD to beat the greyhound. (Can't imagine it makes a difference if it was a mini-greyhound.)

Then my mom dropped her earmuffs. Crap! I picked them up for her and trotted forward, staying in front of the dog.

Then we reached what I thought was the finish line, and we were told we had to make a loop around the parking lot. Shoot. My mom slowed down, so I shared my new goal with her. I believe I detected an eye roll, but she picked up pace again.

Then we reached what I thought was the finish line, and we were told we had to loop around another part of the parking lot. Seriously? Torture.

But we made it. In under an hour - 53 minutes to be exact. And we beat the greyhound. :)

Turns out someone had walked up to registration with $100 more than me, so I lost that TV, but I still have the satisfaction of knowing I raised a good chunk of money for the athletes I love so much.

I was embarrassingly sore afterward, so I've gained a whole new level of admiration for runners. It felt great, though. Even better was knowing I CAN.

Click here for a picture of my mom and me at the beginning of the race.

Thank you again to everyone who donated to my cause!

Dear Lord,
Please take this pain away. It crushes me. I don't know what to do with it any more. I'm trying, I really am. I don't understand why I get my hopes up that he'll finally hear me. I don't know why I keep thinking he'll realize that it is possible to exist in each other's lives. I don't know why I keep hoping he'll acknowledge that we did have something - we were married. I don't know why it still feels like he has control over me. I don't know how to keep being nice when he gives me nothing in return. I can't sleep. I can't get anything done. I know this time is supposed to hurt and I know you have a plan, but please, help me let go.
Amen.