Change is good

Remember when I said I’d wanted to live in St. Louis since I was a kid? Remember when I also said I don’t like change? This is, I suspect, the reason I’ve been alternating between euphoric excitement and all-out panic the past few weeks.

It’s also probably the reason I’ve started waking up in the middle of each night – sometimes sweating, sometimes certain there’s someone in my apartment, sometimes hanging onto a dream that I was cuddling with a puppy. Always annoyed.

The lack of continuous sleep plus the mounting items on my to-do lists scattered through my office, apartment and iPhone has me feeling like a college kid during finals week again. My stomach is in knots (or maybe that’s the four consecutive meals of pizza last weekend), I can barely focus, and there’s a strong urge to curl up in my bed and hide for a few days.

Honestly, the thought of everything I want being within reach is terrifying.

It’s pretty crazy to think back to where I was two years ago. I remember my last Facebook status of 2009 being something like: Good riddance, 2009. Things are still far from perfect, but 2011 has been one of the best years of my life. It took a lot of change to get here. I will get through this next set of changes, I will adjust, and hopefully it will be everything I’ve dreamed of. (Figuratively, not those dreams of people breaking into my apartment. Oh gosh, now I’m thinking about someone breaking into my new place in STL. Must stop.)

Change is good. Change is good. Change is good. I’m going to keep repeating that to myself every time I start to freak out.

Dream Come True

Last night, I dreamed I was at a coworker’s house. She does live in the country, but in my dream, her house backed up to a beautiful, golden field of wheat. The sun was shining as a worker groomed the field. Then a second person showed up and started setting up white chairs. Suddenly, my throat tightened up. I asked Megan what was going on. She informed me that there was going to be a wedding in her backyard, and that she was sorry. I ran across her porch, terrified. When I turned around, I saw my ex at the other end of Megan’s house, dressed in a tuxedo. I ran around the corner before he could see me, and ran into a few of my sorority sisters. What was going on? Why were they there? Why was everyone betraying me?

Then I was across a creek from the house. There was a child floating down the creek, and I was afraid that the child was not okay. Some men in tuxes – I’m guessing groomsmen – rushed toward the child. I turned back to the house and screamed. “Don’t you see this is not okay? Don’t you see this isn’t what’s supposed to happen?” A crowd of people in dresses and suits turned their back to me and moved toward an altar.

I have vivid dreams fairy often, especially around times when there are big changes coming up in my life. However, this is the first dream that has turned out to be true once I woke up. Well, not the child in the creek, and not the betrayal by Megan and my friends. But still, I could hardly believe it when I learned I had dreamed part of it correctly.

I know some people are tired of hearing about this. If that’s you, then I advise you to stop reading.

I know it’s hard to understand how this can still affect me so deeply, considering all the good things I have in my life right now. Believe me, I’m still excited about them. Somehow these two parts of my life – past and present – are not mutually exclusive.

I know I have to let go and move on. I’m trying.

I know that everyone has pain, and that the pain is supposed to get better over time. But in moments like this, it still feels fresh.

I know he’s not the man I married anymore. But that doesn’t make me miss him, or his family, or his friends any less. It doesn’t cool the burn of my memories.

I knew this was coming. I didn’t want to know when, because I couldn’t face it. And I’ll be honest; I was hoping it wouldn’t happen. Maybe that makes me a terrible person.

Every time I end up in this place, I feel like a failure all over again. I look back at the choices I’ve made and wish desperately that I could change them. When you get married, God makes two into one. When you get divorced, there’s no clean break, because you’re ripping two halves apart. Some experts say you can’t really get divorced in God’s eyes, but that you remain married anyway. Every time I think seriously about moving forward with someone else, part of me feels ashamed and dirty. I’ll never understand how he was able to get past all of this so quickly.

I know I should be clinging to God tonight. But I have to think there’s a reason this happened on a weekend when I’m alone. So if you don’t hear from me again for a couple of days, just know that I’m doing the best I can.

You Can Find Me In St. Louie

Things that are from St. Louis:
- Gateway Arch
- Nelly
- Toasted ravioli
- Ice cream cones
- Budweiser
- David Freese
- And, coming in January 2012, ME!

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to live in St. Louis. As a kid growing up in Southeast Missouri, it was the home to Six Flags, the Magic House and the Cardinals. Once we moved to Jeff City, it was the midpoint on the way to visit relatives, where we would stop at shopping malls and go through the Krispy Kreme drive through so I could have donuts all week. I remember looking out the window as we drove through Lake Saint Louis, trying to decide which house I would buy someday. I went to college, and somehow I ended up in a group of friends primarily from St. Louis. It seems the city has always been calling my name.

Naturally, following my divorce, this seemed like a logical move. However, I wasn't ready for quite such a big change yet, so I moved back to Jeff City, where I could keep my job and be close to family. Earlier this year, with my lease's end approaching, I asked about working from our St. Louis office. Unfortunately, at the time, our office was full and they had just signed a five-year lease. Plus, there are some elements of my job that work best while based in the JC office. I had resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to leave, and I was job hunting pretty intensely.

It's a little weird to be working in a place you don't think you'll be for long, and the job search was pretty discouraging. I found myself a little bored and uninspired. I just wanted to get this figured out. Then, I received this Bible verse and explanation (thanks Katie Rae!):

When darkness overtakes the godly, light will come bursting in . . . Such people will not be overcome by evil circumstances . . . They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. They are confident and fearless and can face their foes triumphantly." Psalm 112:4, 6-8

God wants to use you right where you are. His guidance isn’t just for your next big decision—he had a purpose in placing you where you are at this moment. Look at your current circumstances as a calling from God. Serve and obey him in the little things today. God has placed you here for "such a time as this."　

That made me stop and give thanks for my job. It's not that I ever wanted to leave; I just didn't think I had a choice anymore if I wanted to move my life forward. I grabbed onto my next big project, approached it with joy and was thrilled with my results.

Then, a few weeks ago, I overheard something about our St. Louis office building being bought out. I inquired, but it didn't change the parts of my job that need to stay in JC. Then, a week later, my team member and friend, Ashley, told our boss that she would be leaving at the end of the year to stay at home with her baby. Suddenly, I was scrambling to rearrange Ashley's and my job duties and writing a proposal that outlined how I would maintain a presence in the HQ office from afar. I turned in my proposal on Wednesday. It was accepted that Friday. Today, it all became official.

I won't start in the new St. Louis office until Jan. 16 because we'll have to hire and train Ashley's replacement, but it is so nice knowing what my next step is going to be. It is really crazy to see the way it all worked out. I knew God had a plan, but I had no idea it would come together so perfectly. It was truly an exercise in trusting Him and being patient.

So, it turns out there are two big St. Louis things to celebrate this week. If you care to join me, get up and SHAKE YA' TAILFEATHER! 

What's this? A new post?

They say to write a successful blog, you should post a few times a week. When I started this blog, my goal was to post once a week. I think it’s safe to say I’ll never get paid for this blog. And that’s okay.

I’ve thought about what I should write over and over. Between the crazy schedule I’ve been keeping, exhaustion, writer’s block, confusion and sometimes sadness, I just haven’t been able to figure out what direction to take. So today, I decided I’ll just sit down and write and see what comes out.

This summer has been crazy. I’ve been to Kansas City, Baltimore, Rhodes, Athens, Chicago, New York City and St. Louis. And next weekend I’m going to Georgia. I’ve learned that, while I absolutely LOVE travel, I also really enjoy time at home. My house becomes increasingly messier with every trip. My goals of cleaning out my closet and moving all my files over to my laptop so I can sell my desktop keep getting pushed back. Every time I have a weekend at home, I end up hiding under my favorite blanket on the couch with a glass of wine and some mindless program on the TV.

I guess the point here is that I’ve learned I need balance. I need to schedule more “nothing” weekends so that I can keep my life (and my apartment) nice and tidy. The other thing about being gone so much is that I’ve really dropped my spiritual pursuits. I had three books I was going to read, and I got about 20 pages into each one and gave up. My relationship with God has been pretty stagnant. I know he’s there and I talk to him daily, but I know I’m not living life in a way that will bring me any closer to him. I need that – I can literally feel myself struggling when I don’t put energy into that relationship.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6

I came across that verse three times in one day this week. Think he’s trying to tell me something? As much as I want to rush my life forward, move to St. Louis, get married, start a family, etc., I know I need to wait, and his answers will reveal themselves. So I’m trying to be patient. It’s no coincidence that the song that keeps playing in my head (again, missing from playlist.com) is JJ Heller’s “Control.”

I mentioned earlier that I’ve had some pretty sad moments this summer. In one last effort to extend kindness and restore some semblance of friendship with my ex, I was asked never to contact him again. That hurts like I can’t even describe. It makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong, since this all came on with no explanation. And it makes it incredibly hard to continue to keep bitterness out of my heart. All I can do is pray for the strength to be kind, to let go, and to see that God’s opinion is the one that really matters.

Despite those sad moments, I’m struck with a realization: Maybe the reason I haven’t been blogging is that I have been mostly happy. Maybe I haven’t needed this narrative therapy as much as I used to. Maybe I’m moving on.

I’ll try to get back into a better pattern of blogging, if for no other reason than it helps me sharpen my writing skills. Here’s to hopefully happier topics.

Special Olympics World Games

I'll be taking a little detour from this blog for the next few weeks. I am attending the 2011 Special Olympics World Games in Greece as the Assistant Director of Communications. The trade-off on getting this amazing experience is that I will be giving an inside perspective for all the Missouri fans back home! I'll be one of Missouri's bloggers on the SOMO website. I imagine I'll be posting almost every day. If you'd like to follow me, check out my temporary blog home: https://somo.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=780. I'll be back here once I'm back in the US and rested up!

I need help.

And not just because I've been neglecting my poor little blog.

No, I need help because I've been fueling my depression with fast food. Which is obviously not good for the whole losing-the-divorce-weight thing. I need to learn to cook. I don't like cooking, so I need to start very small.

So here's where I'm asking for help. I have mastered the PB&J, the grilled cheese, even the fried egg sandwich. It's time to get out from between two slices of bread. What's your favorite, easy recipe? Your go-to, I've-got-15-minutes meal? Bonus points if it's so easy it will fit in a comment on this blog, but I'll take longer recipes by email: mandi.steward@yahoo.com.

Thanks in advance. And now I'm going to be a good blog-friend by catching up on about a month's worth of posts. :)

Another K.O.

Why does this keep happening? I had a good weekend. I'm tired of the grief creeping up and knocking me out.

I visited a, um, rather enthusiastic church in town a few months ago. They were starting a series called "Fight for the Family" or something, and chose a very literal illustration to get their point across: Jesus and Satan in a large boxing ring in the middle of the sanctuary. Smoke, lights, people dressed up as demons sneaking through the crowd -- it was all too much for me (and frankly, I think part of the reason Christians get made fun of sometimes). Anyway, the crowd was starting to get into it when one lady from the other side of the room screeched, "GET OUTTA HERE, SATAN!" The rest of the congregation cheered. I sank down in my seat and tried to hold in my giggles.

I'm glad there are people who are so passionate. And I'm glad there's a place for them to come together and worship. It's just not for me. However, maybe I need to learn some courage from her. Maybe when I feel this coming on, I should stand up and tell Satan who's boss. Let him know I'm not afraid of him.

------ Abrupt change of subject ------

I forgot to include some explanation in my last post. It's actually the reason I chose the "truths" theme. I've recently had several people ask me about sharing such raw emotion on here. It's not that I'm brave to be so open with this stuff. It's that it helps me heal. I read what I write, I cry, I read it again, and keep doing this until it doesn't hurt anymore. I guess the other part of it is that I just really don't want anyone else to go through this. If me being vulnerable can help even one person, then it's worth it, and it makes my pain feel a little more worthwhile.

Well, and then there's the selfish part where sometimes I need some words of encouragement, and knowing there are people praying for me is comforting.

Hard to find a song to fit with this post (I refuse to have "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" on my playlist, even if it was playing during the actual church service.). I couldn't add my first choice, so here's a link to it, and my favorite lyrics below:

Everything that attaches
Someday falls apart
When the plan collapses
It can break your heart

Like a southbound train
This is a song for leaving
Don't you know the pain
It's a part of the healing
-Brett Dennen, "Song for Leaving"