It's amazing how much can change in a year.

Just over a year ago, I lived at Lake of the Ozarks and commuted to work every day. I had a husband who loved me, and who told my mom he'd wait for me for ten years if that's what it took. I had two puppies who gave me constant love and affection. My oldest brother had never had an aneurysm. I had a heart that was empty and hurting, and that I couldn't seem to understand. All I wanted to do was run.

Today, I sit at my computer desk in a cold, empty room alone, contemplating things I wish I had done differently. My ex-husband and dogs are still at the Lake, but at least I don't commute anymore. My heart is still hurting, but in a totally different way. And it's still empty, but I think I've figured out the One and only thing that can fill it. (On a completely positive note, my oldest brother is now doing fantastic.)

I'm not going to get into the details of my divorce because I still care deeply about my ex, and frankly, if you don't know, it's none of your business. I'll just say we both did a lot of things wrong, and I certainly have some regrets. All the cliches about hindsight being 20/20 are true in my case, but all I can do now is learn and move on.

Since I'm a list person, I decided I needed to have specific goals for moving on and growing. I took a long, hard look at my flaws, specifically those that led to the decline of my marriage. A major theme that kept coming up was my lack of independence and the ability to do things on my own (apologies if you find that sentence redundant).  While this alone didn't do irreparable damage, it fueled some of the bigger things that were going on. This is something I can work on. So I booked a ticket to Spokane and set out on my first solo airplane trip to visit my middle brother.

On the trip back, sitting in the airport in Denver reading The Happiness Project, it suddenly hit me that I should blog about this. Blogging will hold me accountable, and I need to practice writing more anyway. Plus this will force me to do research, where otherwise I would just aimlessly try new things.

I can't promise I'll always stick to the independence theme, and I can't promise that my writing will be beautiful and eloquent, but I'm going to do my best to push myself and to be honest. And I'll try not to wallow in self-pity too often.

It's amazing how much can change in a year. I'm hopeful about where I'll be next October.