Harvesting pain

My intentions with this blog were to write positive, happy things to encourage myself. But I'm realizing that you can't get to the happy stuff without pain. So today, I'll attempt to write about pain.

God must really think I'm strong. I'm not going to question Him, but I'm sure hoping all this pain is going to pay off soon. It HURTS. At times, it feels like I really can't handle any more. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to see or talk to anyone, but at the same time, I want to scream to the world for help. Throughout most of the past year and a half, I think I've done a decent job of holding myself together and pushing forward. Maybe too decent a job, because sometimes I'm not sure if people realize how much I'm hurting. I'm not asking for everyone's sympathy, but a little break here and there might help. To feel sorry for myself for just a second, I really don't think I've asked for much leniency compared to some others I know who have recently gone through a divorce.

I started going to a Bible study with my friend Ashley a couple of months ago, and I cannot thank her enough for inviting me. Lately, it seems like that is the biggest 1.5 hours of my week; the only time I really feel centered and like I have some grasp of what's going on in my life. The greatest moment of clarity came in a discussion with one of the leaders. She said, "Even with my husband and my son right in front of me, I'm not satisfied." That sounds really simple, but it was huge for me. I've spent almost my whole life trying to fill my heart with earthly relationships, when the one thing I really need is God. Jen made me realize that He's the only thing that will ever truly satisfy me.

It helps having a focus that's bigger than just what's going on in my personal life. I can feel myself changing, becoming more peaceful and less worrisome. I'm much less irritable (especially at work), and most of the rest of my life seems to be falling into place. I know this is God at work.

Everyone always says we learn from our mistakes. One of my favorite quotes lately is a Brett Dennen lyric: "Failure keeps you humble / And leads us closer to peace." (I'm pretty obsessed with Brett Dennen right now and highly recommend checking him out. I wouldn't call him a Christian artist, but he is quite insightful.) I truly think I'm starting to understand the purpose behind everything in the past year and a half, but I'm having trouble figuring out where to go from here. I'm making God the center of my life in a way I've never been able to reach before. I'm turning to Him every time I stumble or feel hopeless. I'm doing my best to turn my life over and stop trying to control the outcome.

I feel like the life I once had and any chance to restore it are slipping away. At the same time, I'm feeling more and more convinced that I have more work to do to correct my past mistakes before I'll ever be able to move forward - no matter what direction. The only problem is, although he says we're still "friends," I don't think I can even convince him to talk to me. I feel like everything had to happen the way it did to get me to this point, but I can't quite grasp why my ex and I couldn't have met in the middle before completely swapping positions. And if I'm truly giving my fears and problems to God, I don't know if I'm supposed to fight to get him to listen to me, or just continue to pray and wait quietly.

So I guess right now I'm just struggling with how to deal with my pain. Jen suggested I see a counselor at the church, and I think I'm going to take that advice. It's exhausting to start the whole story all over again, but it's more exhausting to live on the verge of a panic attack.